Outgrowth

I decided to discontinue working on a brand project that has been in the works for a few years. Even though it has really only existed for people to see for about a year since this post, it has been alive in my mind and heart long before.

At the time it was the only thing I had, and I held onto it tightly. I believed in it and had faith that I could create something beyond myself. It inspired and motivated me to reach places I never thought I could. If it wasn’t for that project, I would not be who I am today.

Mustering the courage to put it out into the world took a couple years. I didn’t feel it was ready, but I beat my perfectionist mind with the help of my friend’s encouragement to just “start the damn thing.” And I did, with no regrets. I started making projects under that brand that I am very proud of to this day. I explored, discovered, and learned. Not only about the process, but about myself.

By the time September rolled around, I started up post-grad school in advertising. I had to step away from working on my brand project because of how much school was eating up my time. But I enjoyed every second of school and learned a LOT. I had some serious self development during this period while being forced to step out of my comfort zone even more than I already have. As a result, my confidence grew. I met some amazing people, honed my skills to create some work I’m proud of, and landed an exciting internship; a career in advertising looks promising.

After a long and tiring 2 semesters, I finally came to a place where I could come back to my brand project and start grinding once again. It’s been 8 months since I made my last project. It’s time to get to work.

But I couldn’t get myself to do it. For some reason, it felt.. wrong.

But how? I’ve spent so much time and energy getting to this point, and I was ready to keep going several months ago.

What happened?

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The truth is when created the brand project, I really just wanted a mask to express my visual art through. I was too shy to push my creative limits under my own name. The brand project was the key to safely unleash my creativity without feeling judged. I wanted to make a separate identity for my work to be under because I felt people would see it as too different from my personality, and it would hurt how people perceived it. I believed that if my work was under some other alias or image, then people would appreciate it more. I saw myself as an obstacle to my own success, and if I just removed my face from the equation, it would be more successful.

That belief shed overtime. During those two semesters of post grad, I was put into such uncomfortable and novel situations in front of people I’ve never met. I couldn’t hide anymore because I was forced to be me and all of me. I was made so vulnerable. But I kept finding wins and successes after being so ME that I began to realize I’m more capable than I once thought.

I become a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

I started to believe in myself. Me. As Jacob.

The brand project became more of a business than a way to express my visual art as before. I was more than willing to pursue running a business at the time. But now I just want to make art as ME, and express myself through it after becoming more comfortable being myself. I feel now the brand project limits my ability to do just that.

So I’ve put the brand project to rest.

It really feels like a break up. After all I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. But I feel it’s necessary for my growth. The strenuous pressure I put on myself has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel free.